The Tie That Binds

The bond between siblings has long been recognized as a source of both intense love and intense jealousy. And truly, as much joy as it brings to see children snuggled together under homemade tents and taking turns on the swings, it can be equally frustrating when the fighting starts. “It’s mine!” “I had it first!” “He’s always bothering me!”Of course, it makes sense, too. Thrust together in a small space are little people with vastly different perceptions, personalities, characteristics, and ways of dealing with stress and challenges. Stir into the mix the battle over a caregiver’s affection, and the ensuing mini-wars can leave you feel like banging your head against a wall.Using evidence-based strategies, experts and researchers have weighed in on how to help children get along, and they share what they believe works, and what can sabotage efforts to keep the peace.Dr. Laura Markham, a clinical psychologist and author of Peaceful Parent, Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting and Raise Friends for Life, suggests the primary goal is to ensure that each child feels loved individually. In practice this means:

• You spend some time with him, one-on-one, daily. No screens, no books, no structure — just whatever he would like to do. During that time you just pour your love into him.
• You empathize. Behavior may have to be limited, but all feelings are allowed. Feeling understood by you strengthens the relationship more than almost anything else you can do.
• You seek him out for hugs and smiles, to look at the fireflies together out the window at dusk, and just to tell him you’re so glad you’re his mother.
• When he needs you, you show up. If your hands are full, you apologize and tell him when you’ll be able to tend to him; then keep your promise.
• You surprise him with little notes, favors, and activities. This takes some mental energy, which as a parent can be in short supply. One solution is to keep little notes on your to-do list, so that every week you do one small special thing for each child (Huffington Post).

Child psychiatrist Dr. Joshua Sparrow has a suggestion of what not to do: get involved in the conflict.“…the best thing a parent can do to keep from turning sibling rivalry into a problem is simply to stay out of it. A parent’s involvement in sibling struggles almost always intensifies them. Often, it shifts the focus from their immediate disagreement to their concerns about the parent’s fair and equitable distribution of love and other resources. A parent’s job is not to get to the bottom of which sibling caused the conflict, but instead to encourage them to commit to figuring out how to resolve their conflicts on their own” (Huffington Post) .A study from the University of Illinois also found “…that it’s actually the amount of positive interactions siblings experience which determines the quality of their relationship — regardless of the number of fights they have” (PBS Parents). That is encouraging!

As difficult as it is struggling through the bickering without jumping right in and getting involved, experts agree that it is the skills children are gaining through these conflicts that help them in ‘real life’ later. Step in only when necessary, and try to maneuver the discussion to resolution instead of “who started it.” As they get older and more sophisticated in their development, they will surprise you with their ability to navigate conflict with each other without pulling you into the fray.Leanne Powell, 2016