Emotional References: Don't Abuse Your Power

Every family who employs a nanny will, at some point, be asked to give a reference. Maybe it's for the next family that nanny works for. Maybe it's for a background check. Maybe it's a call from an agency trying to place them somewhere new.

That phone call or email carries more weight than most employers realize. A reference isn't a formality. It's often the single biggest factor in whether a nanny gets their next job. And that means the person giving the reference holds real power over another person's livelihood.

Too many employers don't treat that power with the seriousness it deserves.

The Reference Is Not a Place to Settle Scores

If a nanny left on good terms, this is easy. You say true, specific things and move on with your day.

The harder case is when things ended badly. Maybe the nanny gave less notice than you wanted. Maybe there was a disagreement about pay, or boundaries, or house rules that never got resolved. Maybe you're still hurt, or still angry, or still confused about why someone you trusted with your kids decided to leave.

None of that entitles you to torch someone's career on the phone.

A reference should reflect the nanny's actual job performance: were they reliable, were they safe, were they good with the kids, did they communicate well. It should not become a venue for you to process your unresolved feelings about the end of the relationship. If a nanny was excellent with your children for two years and then left in a way you didn't like, both of those things can be true at once. Say both. Don't let the ending erase everything that came before it, and don't let it inflate problems that weren't really there.

Emotional Leverage Is Not the Same as Honesty

There's a specific version of this that's worth naming directly: using the promise or threat of a reference to control someone while they're still employed.

"I'll give you a great reference if you stay through the summer" sounds like a reasonable negotiation, but it's often a way of extracting labor under duress. "Don't even think about leaving early or I'll make sure no one hires you again" is worse, and it's not hypothetical. Nannies talk to each other. Agencies hear about it. This kind of threat tends to surface eventually, and it tends to reflect far worse on the family than the nanny.

If you find yourself using a future reference as a bargaining chip in a present conflict, that's a signal to stop and ask what you're actually trying to accomplish. Compensation disputes, notice periods, and boundary issues have their own resolutions. A reference isn't leverage. It's a factual account, given after the fact, of how someone did their job.

What a Fair Reference Actually Looks Like

A good reference is specific, honest, and proportionate.

Specific means you talk about what actually happened, not vague impressions colored by how things ended. "She was consistently on time, communicated clearly about schedule changes, and the kids adored her" is useful. "It just didn't work out" tells the next family nothing and unfairly casts a shadow with no substance behind it.

Honest means you don't inflate a good experience into a glowing one to get someone off your hands faster, and you don't downgrade a good experience into a mediocre one because you're still annoyed about the transition. Both are a disservice to whoever's calling you.

Proportionate means the weight of your words matches the weight of what happened. A late arrival twice in two years is not the same as chronic unreliability. A disagreement about parenting philosophy is not the same as a safety concern. If you're not sure whether something is worth mentioning, ask yourself if you'd want it mentioned about you in a similar situation, by someone who was frustrated with you at the time.

Why This Matters Beyond the Individual Call

This industry runs on trust, and trust runs on people telling the truth even when it's inconvenient or when their feelings are still raw. Every reference you give shapes how the next family sees a real person's ability to provide for themselves. It also shapes the industry itself. Nannies talk. Agencies notice patterns. Families with a reputation for punitive, score-settling references find it harder to attract good candidates over time, because word gets around.

You hold this power because you're the one who had a nanny in your home and your children's lives. That access came with responsibility while they worked for you, and it comes with a different, quieter responsibility after they leave. Use it the way you'd want it used on your own behalf.

Give the reference you'd be proud to tell your children about one day.